During the pandemic a group of fifty work-from-home women met together once a fortnight on zoom to discuss MEN.
The majority of the conversation centered around the pejorative aspects of men, notably their psychological imbalances and tendencies to encourage the world to lurch toward Armageddon. On these topics the women were experts.
But there was one question they couldn’t answer: just what, they asked, could an extra-long penis be used for, other than a tool for the persecution and subjugation of women in American society? Was there any other use?
These fifty women — half were scholars — contacted the CENTER FOR MASCULINE ADVANCEMENT NATIONAL (C-MAN) in Boston, Massachusetts, seeking an answer.
Numerous zoom calls and excessive confabulation with researchers led the women to a number of conclusions, which led to a 32 page essay, published in National Women’s World Monthly, called HELPFUL AND GENUINE NON-SEXUAL USES FOR THE MALE PHALLUS, AKA THE PENIS: THEORIES.
Here are the top seven.
Weapon of Defense
As the saying goes, a man’s home is his castle. And while his wife or partner, lover or mate, may be the de facto head of household, he is generally called upon to shed blood and risk life and limb against intruders.
What better defensive weapon, ready to hand, than an extra-long penis?
Yes, he need only drop his pants, produce his member, grip the base of the shaft, and begin swinging.
With two or three feet of extra length, he is sure to catch the intruder off guard, perhaps distracting the intruder long enough for his wife to retrieve the riot rifle she had contemplated killing him with, but now, alas, must be forced to use it on a nameless man — most likely the intruder is male — with whom she has not had opportunity to spend sufficient time to begin loathing and despising him, thus diminishing her satisfaction in blowing out his organs and sitting by to watch him bleed out.
A great loss for her, but at least her life was spared.
Should her savior of the long member die in the attempt, at least his tombstone can read, “He swung for his life.” Noteworthy, indeed.
Securing items during manual labor
MEN, HOW MANY TIMES have you been building or repairing something around the house, when you said to yourself, “Well, damn, it sure would be nice if i had a third hand.”
Men with extra-long penises understand how handy the extra legnth can be. For example, when putting up a shelf, the long member can balance the shelf in place while one hand holds the drill and the other secures the bracket or screw.
Grabbing items during a meal
WHEN ASKED to pass the potatoes, or anything else, a man with an extra long member can continue eating with both hands while deputizing his member to enwrap the item in question, and pass, allowing him to continue eating without interruption.
Driving and Eating
WHEN THE extra long penis is unleashed in a non-sexual way, fast food consumption while driving becomes a snap. The man can steer with his penis while eating with both hands. This also allows greater concentration on the road. And what a joy if he is driving a stick shift! He can eat, steer, and shift at the same time, thanks to an extra-long penis.
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Penis, Securing one’s self on a ladder or precarious surface
The man of the long penis will never lack for balance or security when on a ladder.
OSHA ladder safety standards suggest keeping three points of contact with the ladder at all times, either two feet and a hand, or two hands and a foot.
But what about a penis?
This, of course, would make for a third point of contact, giving you plenty of options for contact point arrangements. We came up with four.
- Two feet and a penis,
- One hand, one foot, and a penis
- Two feet and a penis,
- Two hands and a penis.
Never in the history of OSHA has any worker managed to comply with the three points of contact OSHA standard by standing on a ladder with both feet while his hands were occupied. But times change.
Now, thanks to more fruitful uses of the long penis, the ladder-climbing man of the long member need only produce it, wrap it around a rung, and feel the security of a hands-free three points of contact.
WARNING: Beware of wood and hot metal surfaces.
Research lends a helping Penis
For the researcher who has almost everything, the extra-long penis offers a great way to keep tightly-bound books wide open.
How many times have you tried to hold a book open and copy a line or two, only to discover that the task is made more difficult by lack of a third hand — especially if you are taking notes by hand? How you wish you had a third hand.
The extra long penis, used in conjunction with one’s non-writing hand, can hold a book wide open indefinitely. No more glancing at angles, crooked necks, straining eyes. Smooth, flat, even. That’s the way. A little more. Split that spine. Good. Just like that….
Workplace productivity with Penis
The man with the lengthy member can use it to move the mouse while keeping both hands on the keyboard.
According to urologist and penis aficionado Dana Perez,
“There are so many possibilities for increasing workplace efficiency. Moving the hands from the keyboard to the mouse diminishes productivity by 27%. The man who can keep his hands in place is a man who is 27% more, shall we say, expansive than his counterparts. I literally dream about what I would do if I had one of my own.”
The Last Gasp
THE GREAT CHALLENGE for men using their penises in non-sexual ways is the taboo placed against the public exposure of the penis. Claims of indecent exposure of the penis run rampant.
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A 2018 study showed that eighty seven percent of women in the United States do not wish to see the phallus in public life.
One woman surveyed sums up the majority sentiment: “The penis in public is, like, icky, but I guess it’s transformed in the bedroom, privately, into something, maybe, magical.”
This means that even if long men could be persuaded to use their penises in non-sexual ways, women still wouldn’t want anything to do with it in public. This could be a call for a new generation of lobbyists to make the stretch among policy wonks. Something to think about.
