You’ve made it through the second interview, negotiated for a mediocre salary and benefits package, and sighed with ennui as you pondered your 2037 early retirement date, the calculation of which places you at 75 years strong.
Escorted to your cubicle by your boss, who departed from you with raised eyebrows and the command, “Let’s have a productive day,” you sit in a squeaking chair with thin gluteal padding, turn on your computer, set up a photo of your girlfriend, a photo of her three year old son, and one of your seven year old daughter from your previous marriage, which you hurry from to avoid thinking about Janet, the alimony and child support payments that force you to take a night job as a telemarketer.
At last you log in.
But wait….
From across the cubicle, a coworker chirps to the defamation of the character of Lanie. Who the hell is Lanie?
Your workplace politics antennae throb upward.
Bowing your head, you double click the Outlook icon.
And now the woman hangs up with a gentle clop of the receiver. Then the shit hits the fan.
This woman appears suddenly in your cubicle entry.
She breaches the threshold, overruns you with questions, then suddenly imposes information about Lanie.
Your resistance fails…. You reach for coffee….
Her swooping eyes halt your exertions.
Writhing as an autumn leaf in a whirlpool, you haven’t met Lanie but agree that she’s a chippy – oh, yes, that dirty bitch – on account of the smirk she gave to Deborah, the woman chattering in your cubicle, who has also insinuated that your refusal to join her freelance reputational assassination firm will result in the trashing of your own, leverage to which you succumb immediately.
“O God,” you cry as the swishing of her panty hose fades, “is there any hope?”
Workplace Gossip Is Life, Says New Research
Fear not, says Charleston Brothers, a polling firm in Charlotte, North Carolina. Gossip is a fact of life.
Our research indicates that, contrary to conventional workplace wisdom, many top managers refuse to curtail gossip. Instead of fighting their employee’s natural tendencies, they redirect the river toward a more benevolent harbor. It’s all about redirecting employee informational exchanges.
Charleston Brothers
Charleston Brothers offers several recommendations.
First, all gossip should be true.
Says co-founder Les Charleston, “There’s nothing worse than becoming the downwind stench of the workplace. Untrue gossip tends to harm. True gossip allows those gossiped about to learn the truth about themselves, albeit indirectly.”
Let’s consider this scenario. If Worker X is indeed a jackass, as verified by ad-hoc straw polls conducted by self-appointed workplace gossip wonks, there is no reason to withhold this commentary from your fellow employees.
Second, be discreet.
Charleston Brothers research shows that gossip, even if true, is likely to produce unpleasant scenes if the one gossiped about overhears the gossip.
“Every precaution should be taken,” says Charleston Brothers, “to discuss the employee when said employee is out of earshot.”
What if the one being discussed appears during the discussion?
“Sudden topic changes are suspicious,” says researcher Boyd Charleston, “and carry with them the threat of detection. Effectual gossip demands the perfection of conversational segues. Learn to pivot mid-sentence to allow for a seamless transition away from the discussion.”
Third, smile all the while.
Charleston Brothers reports that smiling at the object of gossip is statistically the best means of winning trust, discouraging suspicion, and leaving the one gossiped about unaware of the situation.
Says Les Charleston, “Just remember what Walt Disney, one of the great gossips of the twentieth century, taught us:
There is just one moon
and a golden sun,
and a smile means friendship
to everyone.
