When your child bites, what should you do? What recourse do you have?
And why is your child meeting your generosity with fangs?
New research from the Insitute for the Agglomeration of Information Regarding the Proper Raising of Children in the Digital Age has the answer.
So, why does your child bite?
Enter pet and child psychologist Dr. Meghan Wagner.
Dr. Wagner, the study’s chief analyst, has spent over forty years studying the connection between the primordial behavior of pre-humanoids and the current evolutionary iteration of the human toddler.
“Toddlers bite,” says Dr. Wagner, “because in a toddler there are discernable traces of post-jurassic evolutionary prototypicalities. In particular strain 57J-11 rears its head and, poof, the child resorts to primordial animal behavior.”
So, what’s the solution when your child bites?
A proven solution to the problem says Dr. Wager, is to evolve the strain out through training, and it’s through this training that the last vestige of primordial behavior is removed.
“When a parent brings me a child with primordial regressive symptoms, I treat the child like a friendly but wayward pet. I tell the child to sit and offer the child candy or such treats as motivate good behavior. I also invite the child to play with or chew on dog toys, to bat at cat toys, and to curl up in a comfortable dog bed.”
Is She Serious? Yes, She Is!
Dr. Wagner’s justification for her controversial treatment of children who bite stems from her prognosis that the toddler is a microcosm of the entire evolutionary process. The child must evolve beyond this strain of primordial behavior that leads to biting.
Dr. Wagner recommends therapy take place between the ages of two and four, when it will be most effective in curing the biting behavior.
Dr. Wagner notes that when therapy using psychological techniques similar to those used to train animals begins at the age of two, children usually leave off biting by the age of four.
But Dr. Wagner cautions parents regarding boys who bite.
In boys, the primordial behaviors re-emerge much later in life in the form of toxic masculinity. Like the biting, this toxicity is a harkening to the hunter-gatherer days of the Neanderthal, in particular a clan of Neanderthals in the Iberian Peninsula.
Male toddlers who bite at least three times a week in the and who are also in the Danger Window of two years to three years and seven weeks are most likely to show the following signs of toxic masculinity upon reaching adulthood:
- a refusal to defer to women,
- aggressive capitalistic ventures,
- thrill-seeking,
- independence of thought rather than the importance of group-think and conformity,
- partying,
- cursing,
- sexual intercourse with numerous partners of either sex involving tendencies toward dominance during the act,
- lack of docility,
- cocksureness,
- confrotational attitudes,
- a desire to pursue rather than to be pursued,
- and freely offering one’s opinion rather than hesitation arising from two things: the belief that all opinions are valid and an overweening unwillingness to offend.
For men struggling with toxic masculinity, Dr. Wagner says that the solution is cuckolding and rigorous psychological counseling.
The time for evolution is now.
