Guys, Josh here from Greatest Human In The Universe wishing you a Happy New Year!
THIS YEAR you’re stayin’ alive in ’25…maybe just barely…hoping for something better…and you’re already tired of the generic resolutions that fat boy and stupid girl are spewing.
That’s why we’re starting you off with weird resolutions that I CAN GUARANTEE will help you start your 2025 quest to become the greatest human in the universe.
Without further ado, let’s get into this year’s awesomely weird resolutions.
Kick off your weird resolutions by quibbling endlessly about meaningless and pointless things in order to distract yourself from the meaninglessness and pointlessness of your own life.
Hey now, what’s this? There’s more logic to this than you think. Your biggest and most important resolution for the new year might just be to distract yourself from what’s really going on in your own life.
The less you pay attention to yourself and focus on meaningless and pointless things around you, the less you’ll notice that your life is meaningless and pointless.
Don’t forget the “endlessly” part of the equation. With each argument, you’re FORGING A NEW IDENTITY, one that says, “I’m a quibbler, baby.” Such an identity will give your life meaning and purpose.
So get involved in meaningless arguments with other people. Bonus points if you can argue with them about themselves. This is a GREAT TECHNIQUE if you want to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others.
And while we’re on that topic…why not try to…
Focus on the pitfalls of others
You heard me.
From Hollywood to Bollywood to Washington, D.C., to your neighbors, friends, family, and spouse, the more you focus on the pitfalls of others, the better off we all will be.
A simple logic here, expressing itself in profound ways. If you focus on the pitfalls of others, you help them improve. Perhaps she doesn’t see how rude she is. Why not point it out? This will help her treat you with less rudeness, and perhaps might encourage her to BECOME POLITE.
Not only this, but you will be able to see YOURSELF IN PROPER PERSPECTIVE. Think about it this way: once you realize just how many pitfalls she’s got going on, you’ll see yourself in a better, more salubrious light.
But why do you need to be reminded of this? Don’t you do a good enough job of fixating on the pitfalls of others?
Fact is, you’re probably drowning in the positive thinking advice swamp and Stoic swirl that tells you to focus not on other people, but on yourself and the things you can change. So with these stellar incubatory bastians you might be tempted to swear off your critique of others. But think again, and see the rationale above.
Your awesomely weird resolutions list should include: experiment with weird cults
Not saying you should join one – but just for fun, see how far in you can get before you’re too brainwashed to get out!
Among other weird resolutions, you should get a perpy pen pal
Weird but totally du jour for the New Gullible Snowflake Crowd, fresh research from Buford Schuck Englestrom research associates shows that perps who receive letters from those on the outside have more fun on the inside.
One perp wrote to his pen pal, “Big Daddy had me read your letter out loud when he was buttfucking me. He wants to buttfuck you too.” More fun for everyone.
The letters you receive from your perp will give you that rare insider’s look at life inside the big house. Forget those sad, groping prison documentaries on Netflix. We’re talking about the big time, here.
See the penstrokes of real life murderers, thugs, rapists, scammers, and perps of all stripes.
And don’t forget that if your perp is scheduled for parole, you can meet him or her outside the gate and have a brand new friend to show around town. Or compare your letter stashes and see what the prison guards censored!
Summon demons
Look, you’ve thought A LOT about this one in 2024. Why not start 2025 off with this one from the grab bag of weird resolutions: a FIERY FIENDISH FREAKOUT aka demon conjuring.
Oh yeah, baby, because demons have already made their resolutions for 2025, and you’re on the list.
Just draw a large five pointed star on the ground using chalk, kill a chicken or goat, sprinkle the blood in the star, light a votive candle, and watch the magic. Any number of demons, perhaps Satan himself, will show up, ready and eager and willing to chit chat with you and more….
Clog the wheels of government
If there’s one thing the government hates, it’s time wasters. I.e. people like you and me, i.e. the citizens they serve. So get on the phone with your state representatives, local government staff, or the staff of any federal agency and waste their time.
Chat endlessly about your plans for 2025. Ask them if they have any recommendations for restaurants, or what plans they have made to improve themselves in the months ahead.
Send letters requiring a response, chummy confab-style literature that will make the assistant reading the letter sigh with ennui as yet ANOTHER fool makes his and/or her and/or its/their communication to this or that government office.
Offer vague requests for this or that form.
In short, take the longest road possible. Ask trivial questions requiring excessive amounts of time to answer.
Hey, you’re paying for that desk, that phone, that letterhead, that email…so why not get your money’s worth?
Date your gender
You spent last year attracting opposites. And you’re sick of it!
Wade into the murky waters of same-sex/gender relationships. You can’t go wrong here. If it looks like you, smells like you, and walks like you, it’s probably same-whatever.
Same-sex attraction is all the rage these days. If you’ve been digging in your heels with your traditional approaches to attraction and opposite sex blah blah, throw that crap to the wolves and set your sights on SAME SEX ATTRACTION.
Hop into the pool and see what happens. Hell, you might find your niche.
Throw that crap to the wolves and set your sights on same sex attraction.
Weird resolutions just wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t get abducted by aliens
Aliens are all the rage now, aren’t they? The government is disclosing more information than ever about aliens, UFOs, and their place in this world and beyond.
Since there’s so much swirl on this topic, why not see for yourself what it’s all about? Get abducted by an alien.
Roswell, New Mexico, is your best bet for immediate contact. Head outside the city and wave a three foot by three foot piece of aluminum. Then sit tight and wait for the transport saucer to descend with blinding speed and whisk you away to places that would even make Captain Kirk go, “OMG! GTFOH!”
Intern With A Scammer
Weird resolutions come in all shapes and sizes.
And like Vishi Ababa, of New Delhi scammer fame, this one’s a real gem. Try your damnedest to get into the scammer intern program, aka scamternship.
According to The Scam Weekly Bulletin, “Scamternships are nothing to hang up on. Did you know that you’re 110% more likely to succeed in the scamming industry when you study with a qualified Scamternship scammer in India?”
Speaking of which, the Scamternship lets you meet a real-life honest-to-Allah scammer, stay in his or her house, do his or her laundry, shadow him or her on the job, listen to him or her finagle the savings out of this or that hapless fool, and so much more.
If you successfully complete your internship–by collecting $18,000 of ill-gotten gains–you will be permitted to wear clothing once again and return home.
See how the one percent of the one percent of the one percent lives.
Top performers will get to meet the Lord of the Scam, Mr. Scam Likely himself!
