Introduction: What Kind of name is that for a Unique Fiscal Saint?
Guys, Josh here, taking time out of my BUSY SCHEDULE to portage the lowdown on some crucial information about one unique fiscal saint GUARANTEED to alleviate your money troubles and worries.
Look, I know that a lot of you AREN’T RELIGIOUS. In fact, you might be one of the 28% of Americans who identified as non-religious earlier in 2024.
You also might be skeptical about religious claims. Just a bunch of hooey, right?
Then there’s the self-loathing card: maybe you think that the saints won’t help you because you aren’t religious, or just plain not good enough.
Hold on, there, partner! Don’t be disconcerted. You’re going to see that the saint I’m introducing isn’t your average run-of-the-mill saint. Far from it.
In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that this unique fiscal saint I’m presenting to you requires no religious bent whatsoever. During his lifetime it was said about him that “never hath man nor beast had such little religiosity in his marrow as this.”
Okay then. But why haven’t you heard of this unique fiscal saint before? Pat McCloskey, OFM, has the answer.
He says that “For over 1,000 years the Catholic Church has had a feast of All Saints, acknowledging that its list of saints can never account for everyone who is in heaven.”
In other words, brothers and sisters, there is no complete list of saints. Nor will there ever be.
And that opens the door pretty wide for a bunch of saints you’ve never heard of to get a foot in.
We at Greatest Human In The Universe believe in open mindedness toward any unique fiscal saint you’ve never heard of. As long as the saint is helpful, count us in! (Especially if DAVE RAMSEY endorses this guy.)
And is he ever.
This unique fiscal saint is ready and willing and able to help right now–no matter who you are.
Whenever you call him, he’ll be there. Whenever you need him, he’ll come running.
So without further ado, let’s dive right into crucial information about this unique fiscal saint.
Meet The Unique Fiscal Saint and Master Of Money Matters, St. Chimpus
How many times have you thought of apes when you talk about fiscal saints? Maybe it’s time to start.
St. Chimpus is a unique fiscal saint–who also happens to be a chimpanzee.
Don’t let the genus and species put you off: he might not be a Homo sapiens, but he’s still a saint.
How St. Chimpus Can Help You Today
St. Chimpus is ready and willing and able to help you when you need money FAST!
If you’re fiscally irresponsible, St. Chimpus is here to make things right!
If you’re poor as hell, St. Chimpus is here to give you a hand up!
If you’re facing crushing debt, St. Chimpus is here to crush the debt collector!
History of the Dazzlingly Unique Fiscal Saint Chimpus
The year was 1104. Pope Paschal II sat on the papal throne.
And somewhere in southern Italy the monastery of the Flying Virgin was about to embark on an unprecedented maneuver.
After careful consideration, the monks initiated a Chimpanzee named Chimpus into its enclave.
Just how the monks and Chimpus first became acquainted is a story that’s been lost to history.
But however it came to pass, the monks at the Flying Virgin saw Chimpus’s remarkable talents and knew that they couldn’t pass by this opportunity to have such a wondrous creature in their midst.
Among Chimpus’s many talents was his remarkable capacity for dealing with fiscal matters. In no time he straightened out the monastery ledger and increased profits from begging, cantata performances, and crop sales 800 fold.
But this paled in comparison to Chimpus’s skill with alchemy. So great was his ability that he was able to turn bread into gold in less than a day.
He was so prolific that during his first year at the Flying Virgin, Chimpus produced one hundred pounds of gold.
When word of this genius Chimp reached the ear of Pope Paschal he immediately called him to Rome.
Chimpus regaled Paschal with witty tales of sundry disastrous and illuminating fiscal adventures of monks across Christendom. Paschal laughed, he cried, he grew attached. Soon his thirst for gold overwhelmed his bonhomie. He commanded Chimpus in the name of Christ to return at once to the Flying Virgin and within one year to present him with fifty pounds of gold.
Chimpus departed and every year thereafter he outdid even the pope’s wildest expectations.
By the time Chimpus died over a decade later on May 14, 1122, he was producing a thousand pounds of gold a year for Paschal, not to mention the hundreds of pounds that accrued to the Flying Virgin annually.
HELPFUL SIDEBAR: Much of this gold went unreported by the monastery. Legend has it that the monks took a vow of silence in re the gold and buried it around the monastery. You can keep Oak Island’s money pit. From what we’ve heard, there’s a fortune just waiting to be uncovered at the ruins of the Flying Virgin monastery.
When Paschal heard of Chimpus’s death, he declared a national day of fasting and wept for the loss of so great a simian.
The following day he proclaimed a feast in honor of Chimpus. He decreed that May 14 would be celebrated in all Christendom as the day of a true miracle, when the lowly chimpanzee, finest of the beasts of the field, surpassed all expectations and mastered alchemy in a way no one has before or since.
Paschal also immediately canonized Chimpus.
Alas, however, when Paschal died, a jealous Cardinal besieged the monastery of the Flying Virgin, confiscated what gold he could find, razed it, tortured and executed all of its monks, and struck St. Chimpus from the records. Then he desecrated the tomb of St. Chimpus, exhumed the Saint’s body, and burned it to ashes.
LITTLE KNOWN CHIMPUS LEGEND: One legend says that when the body of Chimpus was exhumed, the primate’s testicles were perfectly preserved because of his great virility in life. And when the Cardinal burned the body, the testicles wouldn’t burn up. No matter how hot the fire burned, the testicles remained, until finally a dove descended from heaven and the testicles turned to pure gold, whereupon the dove snatched them up with her talons and flew away with them into heaven.
Despite this, St. Chimpus lives on, ready and willing to help anyone in their time of fiscal need.
DIY: How To Call Upon Saint Chimpus
St. Chimpus is available to help any and all who need money. And for the small fee of two testicles. The good news is that these testicles may come from any man or animal, but two testicles they must be.
The testicles must then be burned on a rock never hewn until they have been incinerated.
While the testicles are being incinerated, chant the following him:
O great Chimpus,
Wisest of chimps,
Hear me now
Save me from fiscal limp.
In dark times past
You helped Paschal last
With gold aplenty
Without a fast.
Join me now, St. Chimpus, friend,
And let my money troubles
Soon be at an end.
Wisest of chimps,
Hear me now,
Let my coffers ring
With money somehow.
Ashes to ashes, testicles to dust, make your request to St. Chimpus for an amount of money up to but not exceeding 11,104 lira. And behold, you’ll find the lira tucked away beneath a big stone, which looks like a phallus, located 8 miles southwest of Cefalu, Italy.
By the way, St. Chimpus does not deliver.
Warnings When Dealing With St. Chimpus
Don’t discuss evolution or the similarities between humans and chimpanzees when calling upon St. Chimpus. He believes that he is superior to all humans, not only because of his alchemical abilities–you can’t blame him for that–but also because he is the only known chimpanzee saint. He doesn’t like the idea that his DNA might be similar to ours, or that we used to be chimpanzees. It makes him feel like he’s missing something.
If you’re ever in a pinch,
Get money, no prob, it’s a cinch.
Chimpus is there,
Chimpus, he care,
Chimpus will pay without a flinch.
What Would Chimpus Do? WWCD. It’s more than an acronym: it’s a lifestyle.
