Hi Guys — Josh here with pressing information to help you deal with alien invasions.
The Government Has Been Keeping A Secret…At Your Expense!
For decades the government hasn’t been telling you how to deal with alien invasions. But they have been wining and dining aliens—and all on your dime.
Until now, the out of this world relationship has been hush-hush, a government secret, kept from the prying eyes of the need-to-know public.
But now, those in the know are coming clean about it.
Well, some of it.
Here’s what the government ISN’T telling you, and are you really ready to deal with alien invasions?
Sure, the government might be dishing the dirt on some of its knowledge about aliens and UFOs, but there’s a lot more that they aren’t telling you.
Most aliens are harmless tourists.
Contrary to theories espoused by movies such as Men in Black, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, War of the Worlds, Predator, and Alien, the majority of aliens come to Earth as tourists.
>>> FUN FACT: Did you know that nine aliens from Serpaster, a planet 80 billion light years from our galaxy, were consulted in the making of the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers film? The group later reviewed the movie, saying it offered a ‘plausible’ but ‘not wholly credible’ vision of invasion methods.
Said one alien tourist at a bank in New Hampshire,
We’re not quite as exciting as many Earthlings have been led to believe. We like that Earth is a relatively safe and stable locality. It’s rich in simplicity, its people are unassuming and easily misled with tales of galactic adventure. Most Earth people don’t believe the tales, of course, but that makes the telling of the tale all the more amusing to the space traveler.
In their brochure, Why We Recommend Earth for an Amusing Getaway, The Council of Interstellar Tourism says of Earth, in tones reminiscent of one of the galaxy’s most celebrated authors, Ernest Hemingway, that Earth “is a clean well lighted place inexpensive and safe if you compare it to the Borzonger minefield. The simple history played out without electricity or nuclear fission, making sightseeing a solar breeze.”
But there is a group of aliens…
A small minority…
Not many, just four out of every 117 aliens (according to The Council of Interstellar Tourism)…
that could be called invaders….
The aliens you really need to worry about when you deal with an alien invasion.
They are a hardy ambitious lot, militantly capitalistic.
They see the entire galaxy, and everything in it, as up for sale. Anything and everything can be bought and sold, without limit, without compromise.
To this end they seek only the best that the universe has to offer.
When it comes to Earth, the one area of interest is the Earth tourism trade. Unlike their tourist counterparts, they have no interest in touring Earth. They are investors. What they want is to make a profit on the trade.
And now that the Earth tourism trade has taken off, these ultra-capitalists are ready to get their fingers deep into the green.
They want to establish a monopoly on the Earth tourism trade, replete with intergalactic laws and regulations to ensure its perpetuity, and their hegemony.
In short, this minority group sees the Earth as a place to rake in the profits.
“With us it’s a strictly economical interest,” said Earth Tourism magnate Vigga Tongo. “We know that you misunderstand this. We’ve seen plenty of your conspiracy theories and those television shows and movies with all their ideas of higher forms of life and this sort of thing.
We’re capitalists, pure capitalists. Pretty much everybody in the galaxy is. We’ve trolled the galaxy for thousands of your years trading, buying, selling, fighting wars for this and that, all in the name of capitalism.
When capitalism breaks down, or the currency loses too much value, we have a war, which clears out a good portion of the population that was a drag on the economy, and reinstates capitalism in its purest form.
In fact the galactic capitalism system is the only system of pure capitalism that has ever existed. It’s a beautiful system.”
The venture capitalist aliens are ready to invade and line their pockets at your expense. The invasion is happening, it’s real, and it won’t be televised.
To this end, consider the following tips and tricks to prepare for the invasion.
When You Deal With Alien Invasions, You Must Avoid These Two Vicious Pitfalls
1. Beware of Offers to Become a Tour Guide
Alien attempts to monopolize tourism on Earth might seem, as one former abductee has said, “like no big deal.”
But that’s far from the truth.
The alien tourism trade is a big deal for humans because the invading aliens are always looking for tour guides. And who better than humans to serve as guides?
Human tour guides are the gold standard in Earth tourism, because most aliens have a strong aversion to getting lost.
If they don’t know where they’re going, they’ll probably just stay home, because the bible of alien travel contingency plans, What To Do When You’re Lost In The Galaxy, advises lost aliens to abandon all hope of returning home and make do wherever they are.
Most aliens find this advice hard to argue with, but most also find it even harder to swallow.
Our group of Earth tourism venture capitalists has the perfect solution: human tour guides. With the incredible rise in Earth tourism, there is a healthy and vibrant market for Earth tour guides.
The approach to human tour guide recruitment.
But with a need for human tour guides comes a need for recruitment, which presents a problem: the aliens have found that humans don’t want to be tour guides for aliens. Which means that aliens have to resort to heavy-handed tactics.
Leka Tugboat, an alien enthusiast, multi-abduction victim, and tour guide from North Dakota, says,
“They control you through your anus, what they call the dirigible portal, or DiPo. They put a non-lubed behavioral coordinator (NLBC) into your rectum, which allows them to control all your movements and brain waves. These aliens are notoriously cheap and prefer to use human slave labor.
The trick is that they don’t want any other humans to know that the human slaves are under their control, so they use the NLBC. The worst part of the NLBC is that it has a destruction mode. If something goes wrong, or if you’re about to spill the beans about the situation, the rip you apart from the anus outward.
Can someone help me? I am so tired of touring these schmucks around.
Like most humans, aliens prefer to take the path of least resistance.
They find isolated individuals with low IQs, offer them a certain sum of money to take a “tour guide job” that they say has “unlimited potential,” then invite them into their spacecraft.
Turns out that the unlimited potential the aliens are talking about means the perpetuity with which you will be employed by the aliens.
Recruitment is forever.
For some, such as Stephen Spielberg, who long for their own close encounter of the third kind, this kind of recruitment might be a dream come true. Which might explain why Spielberg has set up a “sky viewing center” on the beach in Malibu, replete with highly reflective mirrors to signal approaching spacecraft.
But for most humans who aren’t Hollywood royalty and cannot bend reality to their will, it’s less than ideal, so proceed with caution.
2. Beware Alien Snacking
FACT: Aliens, both tourists and monopolizers, enjoy snacking.
Earth snacks are considered exotic fare. Better still, unregurgitated, still-packaged snacks can fetch astonishing prices on the intergalactic black market.
Especially chips.
There is nothing similar, or even close to, a chip in the galaxy. The chip is considered to be the finest of all fare, a succulent delight that adventurers throughout the galaxy will risk limb and verslock to get.
Though for some aliens the chips cause hemorrhaging, intestinal blockages, or anal leakages, they don’t care: aliens craving these delectable snacks are willing to die for them.
They will also pay exorbitantly to possess them. For example, a small bag of Doritos can go for 81 berspongers, which is about $150,000 US.
>>> FUN FACT: In 2003 Joe Biden sold a family size bag of Doritos to an alien investor for $311,000 US. The Biden family’s affiliation with the Intergalactic Trade Market is still under investigation.
The Snacking Reconnaissance
So how does the snack attack take place?
Aliens begin their snacking insurgency by scanning your garbage cans. They want to know what you throw out so that they can know what you are likely to buy again—and how much.
Depending on how motivated they are feeling, this surveillance can go on for days or weeks.
(In one extreme case at Stonehenge, aliens surveilled the site for 300 years, until they got sick of the vigil and obliterated the humans there and, in a fit of anger that resulted from a snack deficit and from outlays exceeding inlays, removed all information signs the ancient inhabitants put on the stones, so that future generations would forever be confused about the site. As the centuries rolled on, the aliens realized that this dearth of information about Stonehenge could be turned to a profit and consulted with executives at the History Channel to create speculative shows about Stonehenge and a variety of other localities on Earth that remain a mystery to modern humans but are in fact sites of snack surveillance gone wrong.)
The more frequent the pickups, and the larger the trash receptacle, the greater the attention that will be paid to the waste.
“We don’t want to waste our time, no pun intended,” said Logga-bogo, an amorphously-bodied alien from the rogue planet Jerfrunkteroff, 800,000 light years from Earth and with a nasty habit of crashing into other planets, just for fun. “We’ve only got one life, about 2,450 Earth years,” he says. “Goes by in the blink of a telnuck. Like we say, you only live once. Better make the most of it.”
Amateur Hour: Should I Provide Snacks During An Invasion?
Some readers might wonder whether they should leave snacks outside for aliens.
For rill? You serruss? Girrrrrl, talk to the hand!
This dangerous and ill-advised move could put you and your family in jeopardy.
When the aliens see a large stash of uneaten snacks sitting outside, they assume that there are even more snacks inside, which may trigger an immediate home invasion.
This is known in the alien snack world as a “locality overrun” or “snackskrieg”.
If this happens to you, you’re screwed.
The aliens overrun the home and spare no one in the process, taking all humans hostage for their tourism program, and sometimes burn the house to the ground once they have made off with all snacks, so that no one else can participate.
(Incidentally, this is the true story behind the disaster at Chernobyl, one of the worst snackskriegs in human history. Have you ever wondered what happened to all the people who lived in Chernobyl? Exactly: enslaved by aliens as tour guides.)
Snacks for Sale on the Open Market
It’s not just that aliens crave snacks. Many aliens see snacks as a way to make big money on the Intergalactic Exotic Luxuries Exchange Market (IELEM).
“We’ve been asked about fairness,” said Lorf Loff, of the IELEM, “and in all fairness to the question of fairness, this fairness question has never fairly come up before, and to be fair we don’t think it would be a fair question, anyway, and haven’t yet formulated a fair answer that could be considered coherent on the matter of fairness, therefore in the interest of clarity, and fairness, we have no fair comment at this time.”
What About Grocery Stores?
Grocery store owners have long been aware of the feeding frenzies of aliens and have taken steps to prevent aliens from absconding with their stock of snacks.
They have done so through the efforts of a top secret U.S. Government program called Above Majestic.
This particular program helps grocery stores stave off the ne’er do well aliens who would pillage their snack shelves.
Though little is known about this program, former President Jimmy Carter stated in 2003 that “it is alive and well, a perpetual hope for grocers across this nation, that one day we might link arms or tentacles with the aliens and form a bond of united peace.”
>>> FUN FACT: Jimmy Carter’s body was sold to the same venture capitalist aliens who, years ago, nabbed the Voyager Golden records from both Voyager 1 and 2. Renamed Carter The Great, the aliens are remodeling and rejuvenating Carter’s body in preparation for the ultimate snackskrieg, in which the revamped Carter will lead the final invasion of Earth. Enslaving all humans, the Earth will be turned into a snack factory and distribution center, to be ruled by a small conglomerate of capitalists, who will worship Carter as god and establish themselves as the gold standard of the intergalactic snack trade. The Golden Records will be permanently on display, the words of Carter resounding across the Earth over and over for all eternity.

Whatever Above Majestic might be, it’s strong enough to keep the aliens away from grocery stores.
The Last Gasp
As always, the authors of this article take no responsibility for the action you might take regarding aliens. Nor are we in league with alien venture capitalists.
We can, however, issue a heartfelt plea: be careful when dealing with aliens. While most are harmless tourists, the kind of average galactic folks who work hard and like to take a pleasant vacation from the stresses of everyday living, keep in mind that there’s an enclave of opportunists just waiting for the right moment to put your tourism skills to good use—then raid your home and steal your snacks.
If nothing else, you are one step closer to being able to deal with alien invasions.